10 Ways You Can Say No (without the guilt)
Filed under Coaching
I find it extremely difficult to say “No”. First of all I’m a Libra and like to keep things in harmony (often at the expense of my own well-being). In business, I tend to have the shiny-object syndrome – you know, where everything looks cool and so I get worried that I may miss an opportunity if I say no. This ends up taking a lot of my time and scatters my focus.
Tell me if this sounds familiar – you’re asked to do something you don’t really want to do or have time for, but you would feel guilty if you said No. Whether it’s a church fundraiser, a committee at your child’s school or participating in a project, it’s important to learn to say No if you don’t want to get overwhelmed, stressed or resentful. It’s about self-protection – people who are able to say No have more free time, energy and feel more in control of their lives.
In your business, where partnerships or teamwork is essential, learning to say No doesn’t mean you become uncooperative. Rather, it is recognizing your limits and being selective in what you choose to do. That you don’t want to do a sloppy job by overwhelming yourself. That you value your time and priorities and aren’t willing to take away from the truly important things in your life. A little selfishness is necessary if you want to stay sane and maintain a balanced life!
So how can you say No diplomatically and without guilt? David Posen, in his “Little Book of Stress Relief” says if you do it properly, you don’t actually have to use the word No.
1. Express your wish to help:
“I’d like to do that for you, but I’m not taking on new projects at the moment.”
2. Give an explanation:
“I have a doctor’s appointment” or “I have another commitment.” You don’t have to get personal.
3. Offer an alternative:
“I won’t be able to do it, but I can show you how to do it.”
4. Find someone else who can do the task:
“I think Sally would be better for the job, and I know she loves to do (those kinds of tasks).”
5. Admit your limitations:
“I don’t have experience in that, so I can’t help you” or “I’m not comfortable with that.”
6. Offer to do it later:
“I can’t help you now, but I can do it next week.”
7. Offer to do a part:
“I’d be happy to do this part for you.”
8. Ask for the priority:
“I’m in the middle of several projects, which one would you like me to set aside to do this?”
9. Give yourself time to think about it:
“Can I get back to you? I’ll have to check my schedule” or “I’ve had a few things come up and need to deal with those first”
However, I find the tenth and most simple way to say No is to smile and say:
“No, but thanks for asking” without launching into the why. People aren’t really interested in your busyness – they’re too busy contending with too much busyness of their own.
So take the time to evaluate and come to terms with your limits: What you’re able to do, what you’re willing to do, and what you want to do. After that, give yourself permission to say No without guilt and find more time and joy to do the things you really want to do.
Elena Verlee is a serial entrepreneur, certified professional coach and PR professional.
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Ha! Brilliant…I relate to the shiny-object syndrome. #10 is the simplest but oh, so hard to do.
We like to make simple, complicated
Thanks for stopping by!
Hi Elena, I love that you are including posts about limit setting – and the power of a positive no. As a self-care coach, I work with people to get really clear and committed to the art of caring for themselves with purpose, passion and a plan. So often people share that they are actually doing more self-sacrifice (abandoning their own needs, putting other people first even when they themselves feel overwhelmed, stressed and exhausted, etc) versus lovingly tending to self-care in mind, body, heart and spirit. One of the first places we look together is in this space of “limit setting” – where are their authentic Yes places in life and work, where to they long to set a limit and say No (with ease and no guilt). Research in the area of preventing professional burnout offers limit setting as a key skill we must learn and use to keep ourselves healthy, energetic and vibrant. Thanks for the great post! To your continued success, Lynda
Thanks Lynda! Especially as mothers we need to learn to say NO more often – not just to the kids
but to the demands for us to be supermom. Like they say on airplanes – put the oxygen mask on yourself first before anyone else! By doing so, we actually end up more available, with less resentment or overwhelm, than if we didn’t practice self care.
Great site!
Success comes to those people who can manage their time according to their priorities. It is due to the fact that they can finish doing important tasks at a certain period of time without rushing things and without becoming reckless.
Great ideas… I believe in the power of saying “No”. I’m not always good at it, but I try.
Susan (5 Minutes for Mom)´s last blog ..Back To School Giveaway EXTENDED
Saying “no” is SO liberating. I used to be a people pleaser and did everything everyone wanted of me. Then I got sick with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and was forced to start saying “no.” So, I learned the hard way, but, I learned it and still apply it. I still have CFS and so people are used to me saying no and accept it. I’ve learned to apply it in business as well. It’s OK, everything gets done and nothing suffers. It’s all good!
Sue – it’s so challenging isn’t it? Especially for us moms in business. Hope you and Jan are doing great!
Susan – if we don’t learn to say no, we are the ones that usually suffer from it! I wish it wouldn’t take having to get sick in order to set boundaries. I’m glad you are better and still apply the lesson in your life and business. Thanks for sharing.